I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
