you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
