I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm at about main and main street
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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