just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
