im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
