My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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