Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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