i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I want to fling myself into the sun
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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