dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
