I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
