SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
