Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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