she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
