You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
