did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
how drunk are you?
Several
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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