there's paper in my vomit.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
