He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
