Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
