I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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