I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
zippers are such a cool invention
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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