So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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