Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm both gender and math confused
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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