I cannot find my penis.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
