How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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