Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
