My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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