Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
