He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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