I haven't been this sober since birth.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Blood and glitter go together right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
