Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
