I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
