think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
