I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
