He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
