Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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