I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
