Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
