Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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