i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You took a bar mat shot.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
