I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
