my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
