I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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