thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
