she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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