Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
