Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
