I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
