If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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