Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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