I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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