he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
These tits shall not be calmed
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
