My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
