i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
