I wish my penis had an off switch
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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