there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
