the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
